Have you ever been teased or called insensitive names? Have you ever been the butt of a joke or made fun off for how an outfit looked on you? It can be a painful experience.
Disciplinarians in bygone years used shame as a tool to teach students. Having been through both an Asian and an Australian school system in the 60’s and 70’s, shaming a student for a wrongdoing was normal practice employed by teachers. Some examples included, getting a misbehaving student or a student who had not submitted a piece of homework to stand outside the classroom for the duration of the class. Anyone who walked pass the classroom would immediately know that the lone student standing had been reprimanded for a misdeed. One can imagine the sense of shame for the student, especially if he, or she was not a serial offender.
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Another example I recall during my school days is the now banned practice of applying the cane or leather strap to students’ palms or backsides in front of the whole class. Teachers during those times associated shame to their application of discipline. And while discipline is necessary and required, the practice of publicly shaming an offender has several negative implications. Some of these include the hindering of the rehabilitation process of the offender, the potential life-long mental scaring of the offender, the societal conditioning that such practices are acceptable and tolerated, and the unwarranted fear that such discipline could conjure up in the minds of those who witnessed the discipline.
While I reflect on my school days during the 60’s and 70’s, the practice of shaming used as a tool to discipline continues today in some countries, both in schools and in judicial systems. Even far back as the dark ages and even during Biblical times, public shaming was a common practice.
This essay will not address the issues of the societal practice of shaming victims but will set out to address the psychological impacts of shame on the person who has been shamed.
Upon reading about the subject of shame as part of my Counselling course which I completed in 2021 and also for this essay, I believe a person can feel shame whether caused externally, or have it internalised in the person's mind. It is also reported that shame can be experienced generationally, in other words the feeling of shame can be passed on from one generation to another.
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In a Scientific American article by Annette Kammerer, published in August 2019, she writes that shame is the uncomfortable sensation we feel in the pit of our stomach when it seems we have no safe haven from the judging gaze of others. She goes on the say that we feel small and bad about ourselves and wish we could vanish. That’s the feeling when, for example a student is ordered to stand up in front of the whole class and recite an apology to the teacher for disobeying an instruction. A similar situation can occur at a workplace when a worker is reprimanded in front of their colleagues for either a poor performance or an error made on the shop floor. In both cases the shame can be unbearable, leading to the victim suffering irreparable consequences with their colleagues in school, or in the workplace.
It is interesting to note, that although shame is a universal emotion, how it affects mental health and behaviour is not self-evident. In the article by Kammerer, she reports that researchers have made good progress in addressing that question.
In the same article, philosopher Hilge Landweer of the Free University of Berlin proposed that certain conditions must come together for someone to feel shame. According to Landweer, the person must be aware of having transgressed a norm. He or she must also view the norm as desirable and binding because only then can the transgression make one feel truly uncomfortable. It is not even always necessary for a disapproving person to be present; we need only imagine another’s judgment, Landweer adds. Often someone will conjure an image of a parent asking, “Aren’t you ashamed?” Indeed, we may internalise such admonishments so completely, that the norms and expectations laid on us by our parents in childhood continue to affect us well into adulthood.
In another study, circa 2007 by June Tangney of George Mason University, in collaboration with Ronda L. Dearing of the University of Houston and others, found that people who have a propensity for feeling shame - a trait termed shame-proneness - often have low self-esteem. Tangney and Dearing were among the investigators who found that shame-proneness can also increase one’s risk for other psychological problems, like depression. Supported by a 2009 study, researchers Sera De Rubeis, then at the University of Toronto, and Tom Hollenstein of Queen’s University in Ontario found that teenagers who exhibited greater shame-proneness were also more likely to have symptoms of depression. There was also a connection between shame-proneness and anxiety disorders, such as social anxiety disorder and generalized anxiety disorder, which was reported in a 2010 study by Thomas A. Fergus of Baylor University, Texas.
When drilling further into the subject of shame, the Counselling Directory – UK publication in February 2019 suggests that shame, like all behaviour and emotions, can be viewed as a spectrum. At one end of the spectrum is so-called ‘healthy’ shame. This is what helps us from an early age to understand societal norms and assists us to be considerate in our relationships and interactions with others. Healthy shame helps us be aware of our boundaries and those of others. Some examples of these include explaining to young children the inappropriate vocalisation of certain sounds in public, either intentionally or just playfully. Other norms for young children, who may often be playfully running around half-naked in their homes, to be fully dressed when there are guests in the home, or the norm of not talking while chewing on food. At the other end of the spectrum is what is often referred to as 'toxic’ shame. These are feelings of shame that are so pervasive they become crippling and all-encompassing. They are so deeply buried that sometimes there is no or little conscious knowledge of them. This toxic shame can manifest itself in lots of ways. Common traits of toxic shame include a feeling of:
Inadequacy – where the person sees themselves as being unfit, useless, not up to the task, inferior, mediocre, worthless, less than, and/or devalued.
Humiliation – where the person carries the burden of embarrassment, has a sense of disgrace, degradation, loss of face, feels like a slap in the face, or a comedown which often is where the person remains at.
Guilt – where the person has done something bad and knows that, however is unable to break free from this sense of guilt.
Shame – where the person takes on the shame and personalises it as themselves, and saying that “I am something bad” and projecting the feeling that others know it too.
Remorse – where the person feels contrite for the action, has regrets over the wrong-doing, is feeling abased, is conscience-stricken, and is wallowing in a state of remorse without seeing an escape out of it.
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There are factors in our lives that increase the likelihood of shame becoming toxic. Toxic shame often originates in childhood and can be passed down through generations of a family. This happens because those who have toxic shame are likely to displace that shame onto others. The ins and outs of this are complex, but essentially if you are raised in an environment when you are routinely made to feel shame for your ‘bad’ behaviour or ‘circumstantial’ inadequacy, there is a likelihood that this shame will become internalised and toxic. In other words, you will start to believe it at some level, and maybe even subconsciously accept that you are bad or unworthy.
Shame can also result from a shame-based educational environment, bullying, sexual abuse or abusive relationships. How often have we heard ourselves or others say, ‘it was my fault’, even when it seems clear to everyone else that it is far from the case? Even people who are victims of the most terrible abuse often blame themselves. This is a shame in action.
When shame becomes deeper rooted, the victim of the shame feels that they are a bad person and that there is something fundamentally wrong with themself. They feel that they are being punished, thinking ‘deservedly so’ for being bad.
Common indicators of shame for those who harbour toxic shame are having feelings that they:
Are exposed and have no where to go or hide.
Are a fraud, resulting in a feeling of guilt within themself.
Have no voice to speak out, and believing that no one will listen to someone who has been shamed.
Are powerless to do anything.
Have to cover up and pretend that there is nothing to be ashamed of.
Want to disappear, have nowhere to hide and want the ‘earth to swallow them’.
Are foolish.
Are too needy and wanting continuous attention.
Are too vulnerable, and afraid to go anywhere and with anyone.
With such indicators, someone suffering shame can live their lives shaped by their feelings of shame. For example:
Individuals living with shame often avoid relationships, vulnerability, and community.
Sufferers with shame are prone to suppressing their emotions.
Individuals often feel worthless, depressed, and anxious, and are less likely to take healthy risks, due to their perceived propensity to fail over and over.
People who live with shame are more likely to relapse back into problem behaviours.
In an article by Simone Redaelli, University of Ulm, Germany, published in Psychology Today, September 2020, it was said that shame is a self-critical emotion, when individuals display a negative consideration of themselves. As listed in the common indicators of shame above, sufferers of shame usually perceive themselves as defective. In other words, the moment they feel ashamed, they perceive themselves as irremediably and distinctly different from an ideal image they previously had of themselves or others had of them.
The article makes a profound observation in saying that the sufferer does not feel ashamed because of the actions they have done, but because of who they are. For these reasons, the article goes on to say that shame is a matter of hiding ourselves from social contexts, where in doing so individuals avoid the emergence of shame in order not to feel they are valueless, inadequate, or deficient. However, once the sufferance is revealed, it is not rare to experience a social situation - even among friends - where the sufferer is momentarily marginalized, at least emotionally, by the “crowd” of friends. The author writes, this crowd is made of individuals that spy on each other, desperately trying to preserve the ideal image they have of themselves (i.e. the group).
Shame is therefore a powerful social emotion because it allows the public emergence of true, genuine, aspects of individual identity. The sufferer is the existing, unraveled symbol of authenticity that needs spontaneous and empathetic contacts, relations, and help. The “crowd” of friend is inevitably invested by such revelation and is suddenly allowed to consciously break the chains of fiction and expose themselves in a genuine manner, in helping the sufferer overcome the feelings of shame. It takes courage to step out when caring for someone suffering shame.
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While going down the accepted route of professional care, which are recommended when the manifestation of shame becomes overwhelming in the life of the sufferer, here are five possible self-care actions that could be considered beforehand.
Bring shame into the light – The person suffering with shame needs to bring the feeling of shame to the knowledge of someone, either a close friend, a pastoral care worker or a healthcare professional.
Untangle what you are feeling – The sufferer will need to go through the process of self-reflection and understand the context associated with the feeling of shame. Doing so will demystify and unravel the complexity of the feeling of shame, which may have existed for some time. Often, working with a someone will help the process of unravelling the sufferer’s historical feelings of shame.
Unhitch what you do from who you are – Sufferers of shame must be taught to disassociate themselves from what has occurred i.e. the action, and refocus on who they are i.e. the person. By doing so the sufferer can address the action, and resolve the issue of shame, while allowing the ‘person’ to move on with their live. The sufferer who can now focus of themself, will be in a position to acknowledge overcoming the shame, and with conviction also say that they have left the stigma of shame behind.
Recognise your triggers – Knowing what triggers the feeling of shame, for example a sound, smell, event, location, etc. will help the sufferer to purposefully avoid such triggers.
Make connections – Rather than avoiding connections with people, it is important for sufferers of shame to connect with healthy, mature, and supportive people. These connections could provide the psychological and emotional support sufferers of shame are looking for.
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