As the wedding season starts ramping up this month, which is the beginning of Spring for us in Australia, there are many brides and grooms who are anxiously and excitedly preparing for their nuptials over the coming months. In fact, in Australia, Marriage Week will be celebrated between 10 to16 September this year. It was initiated in 2007 to reinforce and promote the importance of marriage as a binding public commitment. Throughout the ages it is generally seen that strong, healthy marriages build stable and healthy families, communities, and stable societies.
Despite the drop in marriages (in Australia) in recent times from 9.6 marriages per 1,000 people in 1970, to 4.6 marriages per 1,000 people in 2017, and the divorce rates being about 2.2 per 1,000 people in 2021 rising from 1.9 divorces per 1,000 people in 2019 (article by Sophia Bechara, 2020), marriage as a God ordained covenant between a man and a woman remains strong.
The focus of this essay is about respect, a critical ingredient to a successful marriage. Whether the nuptials are performed in a civil setting, like at a marriage registry or in a religious setting, the words often used by the marriage celebrant and repeated by the marrying couple, usually include the word “respect” in their vows. What's more, respect is an attitude that is applicable to any situation, anywhere and to anybody.
Source: Media from Wix (For illustration only)
Giving respect is one way to show love. Too often we see that relationships are wrecked when there is a diminution of respect shown by one party to another, or both parties to each other. Rather than the focus of care and love being for the other party, the focus, where there is a lack of respect is often on self. It’s about “me, myself and I”, as the saying goes. The not-so-strange thing with those sentiments is that the “me” focus can often perpetuate from one relationship to another.
We have all heard the saying, “what we sow, we reap”, so to have someone hear us, we first need to offer a listening ear; to have someone give us time, we first need to give time and spend it with the other person; and for us to receive respect we first need to give respect. It is said that respect is an attitude. Love must express itself also in action. If both parties can do this, we have what is called mutual respect. Mutual respect implies that two or more people have respect for each other, and as unfortunate as it may seem at times, we can never control when and where others decide to show us respect. So, perhaps the question we should ask is: “How can I encourage mutual respect?”
Here are five tips which we could adopt to create an environment that promotes mutual respect (extracted in part from an article by Marci Crane). The setting could be between husband and wife, family members within the home, colleagues at work or members in a sporting, cultural or religious community. If we try hard enough, mutual respect can be cultivated anywhere. In fact, it’s simple enough to teach our children to apply when they go to day care, kindergarten, or school.
1) Encourage Mutual Respect with Time. It’s painfully obvious that we simply don’t get along with some personalities, but it is also obvious that the more you get to know someone the more you begin to understand them and in turn, respect them. After those primary bad impressions “sizzle off” you might even make some surprising friendships. If you truly want to foster mutual respect with people who may be hard to get along with, you will need to set aside time to be with that person, work with that person, talk with that person and even enjoy a game or two with that person. You might have to grit your teeth now and then, but in the end, you will gradually start to realise that his or her personality or point of view isn’t that hard to get along with after all.
For the married couple, the above scenario may have been during your friendship stage with your potential spouse. However, as the friendship blossoms into romance and finally leads to a lifelong partnership together, there is no reason why this behaviour of mutual respect with time should disappear. Remember your courting days? If you were like me, I couldn’t wait to see my sweetheart and would spend as much time as possible with her. And I’m sure she felt the same way as me. One could say that our relationship then was stimulating and exciting because we engaged each other’s minds, excited each other’s emotions, and ignited each other’s imagination about the future and on other wide-ranging topics of life. Unfortunately, numerous marriages don’t survive because they simply die of boredom. It is said that boredom functions like low-grade poison; it takes an unavoidable toll on each partner. The secret to a good marriage lies in investing in the time to find ways to keep improving oneself and bringing these up in the relationship. Recognising each person’s contribution to the relationship is a key aspect of affording time towards the mutual respect of the other partner in the marriage relationship.
2) Encourage Mutual Respect with Patience. Patience is a combination of empathy and selflessness. In other words, patience is about other people, which is why patience is such a hard virtue to master. After all, who wants to spend time thinking about other people when we are so busy working through our own agendas? The truth is that the best people, the smartest people, and the most successful people take a good long look at other people and express empathy and selflessness towards the people they associate with. Sincerity of action is also very important. A person who is simply going through the motions of being selfless (i.e., taking more time to talk with someone) will simply appear to be a fake if he or she doesn’t show sincerity.
Source: Media from Wix (For illustration only)
For the married couple, remember that love is patient. This type of patience is not only about waiting for your spouse while he or she shops in the store. The type of patience we are referring to lasts a lifetime. It is demonstrated by each marriage partner being more concerned with the other person than solely focused on their self-interest. Patience often calls for inner strength to display this virtue.
3) Encourage Mutual Respect by Listening. Listening is one of the greatest manifestations of respect. Even if you think the ideas of a co-worker or acquaintance are way “off the mark,” listen carefully to what he or she is saying and then ask questions that truly make you curious. For instance, in a work scenario a co-worker approaches you wanting to spend funds on what appears to be an unusual project and you think that it will never get approved. Don’t express your feelings, or your own thoughts disapproving of the project. Instead, start asking questions like “How will the company have enough to pay for the additional staff?” or “What do you think about our current strategies? Do you think we should improve those first?” You might find that he or she has some great ideas that were being poorly expressed because no one took the time to analyze them more fully.
Source: Media from Wix (For illustration only)
Married couples can easily fall into the trap of jumping to conclusions at the outset. How many times have you and your partner engaged in a conversation and you both felt like you were not being heard? Communication is key when it comes to feeling heard and understood. How do we get to the place where feeling heard and understood is a priority? It’s by listening. Being a great listener takes time, it takes practice, and it takes willingness to do so. Listening is a part of communication, it helps in building intimacy, and it’s a way of letting your spouse know that they are a priority and are valued. So, as we are exercising mutual respect, consider the opinions of the other person by actively listening to what they have to say.
4) Encourage Mutual Respect by Laughing. If you laugh with others, you can relax, and when you relax you help others to relax as well. There can be more effective communication take place under these circumstances. Take time to analyze the other person’s sense of humor and be patient with him or her. Try to find common interests or laugh about experiences that you’ve already had together without using humor that he or she might find offensive. Remember the phrase, “When you laugh, the whole world laughs with you.”
Once married, laughter should not be locked away from the relationship. Laughter is a human emotion brought about by a spontaneous response to what is said, what is observed, shared, or experienced. If laughter is brought about with good spirits and is not hurtful, it can create a sense of togetherness between a couple. I remember when my wife and I were just good friends and socialising among our mutual friends. We should sit around in a friend’s family room and share funny stories of our younger days. We would laugh so much, especially when one story is told after another, that tears from laughter would stream down our faces. Jenny and I still do have those moments when we would laugh for something funny that was said or when we reflect of a past event. Author Nicole Krauss word paints a beautiful scene. She writes, “Once upon a time there was a boy who loved a girl, and her laughter was a question he wanted to spend his whole life answering.”
Source: Unsplash (For illustration only)
5) Maintain Mutual Respect with Honesty. Once a person trusts you and starts to show you respect, it doesn’t mean you will have his or her respect for a lifetime, unless of course you are married to the person. Even then there is no guarantee that it'll last a lifetime. A marriage relationship has to be nurtured and worked at, just as a gardener aims to achieve a healthy garden. To maintain mutual respect, you must be honest with that person even when it is extremely uncomfortable to do so, and you must be honest every day - not just on the days that are convenient for you. If you are honest, you will become better at everything you do, and others will crave your mutual respect.
In a married situation, there are certain actions that can help build a relationship to be full of love, trust, honesty, and respect. I read on a plaque some years ago which said, “Honesty in a marriage is so important. You can’t build a strong relationship on half-truth and half-lies. Be honest at all times”. Here are some tips on being honest in your relationship:
Being open about your thoughts and feelings,
Following through your promises,
Being consistent and reliable,
Avoid vocalizing judgements,
Being faithful in good times and during challenging times, and
Telling the truth, even when a lie might protect you.
The secret to a good marriage lies in finding ways to keep improving yourself and bringing that to your relationship. Learn something new about your spouse’s work, and care about the details of their day. Have a shared dream you’re working towards and talk about it. When you’re engaged in another person’s life, you fortify their desire to share more about their day and themselves. That’s about showing respect to your spouse by practicing the five tips in your relationship “toolbox”.
Source: Media from Wix (For illustration only)
There is something else to keep in mind in a marriage situation. Partners who want to grow together realise they must encourage each other to nurture friendships, hobbies, and interests independently. Exciting people excite each other! They understand how to develop their own lives without disregarding the shared life they have together. This calls for trust, honesty, and a sense that the other person, your spouse has a unique gift, talent, and purpose. Allowing them to grow in their giftings and supporting them in their interests demonstrates your care and love for them. That’s called mutual respect.
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