In this essay I continue my life journey from when on 29th January 1984 I married Jennifer, who was and still is the love of my life, in a small unassuming church in Springvale, Victoria. Prior to the marriage ceremony, both Jennifer and I had to undertake a series of prenuptial counselling sessions with the celebrant and pastor of the church.
I remember the questionnaire titled 'Reasons For Choosing My Mate' which we both had to fill out. In one question we had to list seven qualities we desired in the person we would choose to marry. The qualities I desired, though simple included patience, understanding, love of children, unselfish, fun loving, good housewife, and a nice smile. I can say that after 40 years of marriage Jennifer still displays these attributes. She met all my desired qualities. I won't say if I have met all of hers (lol).
As mentioned in the Part 1 essay, my main intention is to share the things we have done together which have enabled us to still be deeply in love. In order to provide my children and my grandchildren a lesson on how their mum and dad, and their nana and papa lived their lives together, here are my 21 lessons from 40 years of marriage. And for all those reading this, it may also be for you to either consider, adopt, confirm, add to, challenge or just reflect on.
Compliment each other (say a kind word). It does not cost much to compliment your spouse or say a kind word. There are many opportunities for a compliment to be given. Whether it's a new dress being worn, or the aroma of baked bread pudding straight out of the oven, or the look of a newly mowed lawn, a compliment which is genuine and thoughtful will always lift someone's spirits. There's a proverb which says, "Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up." This is so true when a spouse has had a tiring day minding the children or a difficult day in the office. To be welcomed home with a hug and a kind word will melt away the challenging events of the day.
Don't seek to win an argument all the time. Be ready to forgive and move on. No marriage is free of differences of opinions. How can it be when we have two imperfect individuals living together each with their own thoughts and personalities? There have been times when Jennifer and I have had heated arguments over how we’ve viewed things. And sometimes they were things we’ve done without consulting, made an error of judgment or done things out of ignorance. When such things arise, the heat of the argument for us doesn’t hang around for long. There may be the odd silent moment. However, there will usually be one of us and sometimes both coming to realise, 'once the dust settles' that the argument was folly. Proverbs say a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. So don't let pride get in the way of saying you're sorry or be slow in asking for forgiveness. Similarly have sufficient grace to forgive and move on.
Find out their love language and strengths. It was not until I read Gary Chapman's book on 'The 5 Love Languages' did I appreciate the importance of understanding the different ways a person gives and receives love. While Jennifer's predominant love language is 'acts of service', I remember in the early days of our marriage, it was 'quality time', as I had to regularly travel interstate for work. My love language is 'words of affirmation' and 'physical touch'. Sometimes mid-way during a chore, I'll go up to Jenny and ask her for a hug. It was like filling my 'petrol tank' with love. By recognizing these preferences couples are able to learn the potential source of conflict, connect better and grow closer. Furthermore, we each have different skills, e.g. cooking, book-keeping, gardening, and so forth. It is important to recognise these and allow the person with these strengths to lead.
Don't be afraid to make a sacrifice for the other (go out of your way to do something). Make it a surprise. In a mature relationship often making sacrifices are inevitable. Whether these are big ones like staying home with the children while your spouse is travelling, or small ones like washing the dishes while your favourite show is on TV or even going to a concert that pleases your spouse more than you. And when circumstances allow it, going the 'extra mile' shows the maturity of love in the relationship. There is quote which says, "Marriage is not easy. It takes compromise, sacrifice and revealing yourself to another person. However, if you are willing to work and submit to the process, it promises great reward."
When doing something do it with love and do it beyond their expectations. It is said, "Let love and kindness be the motivation behind all that you do." This goes for things we do for our spouses. Over the 40 years together, it has been our mutual love that has driven us to do things for each other. If you love someone very much you will often do the job beyond their expectations. It was 19th century American writer Henry Drummond who said, "You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have truly lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love."
Be there for every season. When each of us lost our parents over different periods, and under trying circumstances, Jenny and I both sought comfort from each other. Our respective words of support, our shed tears and sorrow drew us closer together. During our lives together we shared times of joy and sadness, and times when we have cried and times when we laughed. In the Book of Ecclesiastes Chapter 3:1-8, Solomon the author writes that there is a time for everything. "A time to be born and a time to die...a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance...a time to be silent and a time to speak.” In our various seasons when life unfolds, like the birth of our children or arranging a funeral or starting a new job, each of us were available to support and rejoice with the other.
Consult each other when making decisions and allow one person to make the call. When two people become one couple, it is important that decision making for the household be consultative, especially when it comes to large financial decisions, e.g. buying a house. Jennifer and I will even consult on smaller matters like what take-away meal we would like, or if we should plan a holiday later in the year. Having been married for a while, some decisions can be tricky, like when Jenny would ask which outfit she should wear to a function. I will give an opinion, but I would say that whatever choice she makes will be the right one.
Don't lose the spark of intimacy and togetherness. It is said that in an intimate relationship, you feel valued and connected to your spouse on an intellectual, emotional, and physical level. This need for intimacy doesn't decrease with age. A report by the US-based National Council on Aging concluded that there are real health benefits for those who are positive and passionate in their romantic relationship. It is important for couples do not forget their first love experiences as they mature in their marriage.
Share activities together. Even after 40 years of marriage, Jennifer still loves accompanying me (almost) wherever I go. Perhaps not to the barber shop or when I'm off meeting my ex-colleagues for a coffee catchup. We love doing things together and it helps when we share the same interests, including gardening, visiting the grandchildren, visiting the local farmers market, going for walks, and window shopping at various shopping centres. Our faith interests and involvement in church activities have also been a large part of our lives together.
Allow the other person time to themselves. As a married couple, while it's lovely to do things together, we know that as individuals we all need our personal time. Whether it's time alone to write, to do pottery or sewing, or simply having some personal time to read, meditate or be in prayer. Jennifer and I have developed a sixth sense to know when the other person needs some time alone.
Be role models. As parents, and grandparents our role is not only about ourselves as husband and wife, but it is vitally important that we set a good and Godly example of what a strong and mature marriage is for our family to follow. What's more we see ourselves as being role models for other young couples in our church community and elsewhere. Our lives have to be a legacy we want to leave behind and be a testament of God's faithfulness in our lives.
Remember and speak about past memories (storytelling, viewing old photographs and videos). One thing I love doing is to flick through our collection of photo albums. Like our video tapes, I have chronically dated the albums. I would bring a few out and Jennifer and I would look through the pages and reminisce over our younger days. While not as often as the albums we would when the children visit us, do the same with our video tapes. It is such a wonderful time as it reminds us of how far we have come, how much we have achieved, and the fun times we have had together. All these I believe reinforces the bond we have for one another.
Find time and the occasion to laugh together. Like the first drive Jennifer and I took to the airport together, when we talked, joked and laughed, we still find situations when we would make each other laugh. Dr John Gottman an American psychologist was quoted as saying that "Couples who laugh together last longer." Jennifer and I often try to find something to laugh about, either it's something I did or said, a story told or something we've experienced or seen. Marriage is much better with laughter (an anonymous quote).
Hold hands often when out walking together; in the shopping mall, along the beach, or when crossing the road. We sense a warm feeling of love when we see old couples holding hands. There is a reason for them holding hands. It shows that they each still care for one another. No matter how long we've been married, we should never get tired of holding our spouse's hand. It shows the world that we care for each other.
Show patience, kindness and goodness to each other. I cannot go past the commonly read Bible verses at Christian weddings. It is from 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." A Godly marriage displays all these elements.
You are both growing old together, show respect, empathy and understanding. With age, comes the frailties of life. It is important for spouses to understand and empathize with partners who are weak, sickly or not as mentally alert as in their younger days. While Jennifer and I are blessed with good health, there are times when one would get tired sooner than the other, or one of us would forget something. It is important to make allowances and show empathy when required.
If possible, go on a holiday together, even a weekend-stay away from home. There is nothing like a holiday away from home for a married couple to rejuvenate their relationship. They may be visiting a location for the first time or returning to a favourite destination, they may be off on a cruise or simply visiting a regional town. Whatever that is, the trip always feels like going on a honeymoon with the one you love. Jennifer and I love going on holidays. The time we spend together sightseeing, trying new cuisines, taking photos, adds to the investment in building a strong marriage relationship.
Be committed together to a belief system and together be involved in a faith community. Both Jennifer and I are committed Christians. We are blessed to be in the same faith community for over 35 years. I believe our longevity in our marriage has been our commitment and faithfulness to hearing God's Word and our spiritual relationship we have with Jesus. I believe it is important for couples to share the same faith, as it provides a level of spiritual connectedness between them.
Work together to serve others, even in the smallest way. Both Jennifer and I are involved in church ministry at our faith community. While not in the same ministry, she often offers to assist when I am involved with mine. As a Sunday School teacher, she has on occasions asked me to help with setting up their tables and chairs. It is good and blessed to have married couples involved together in serving others. There is a unity in spirit when couples for example are working together to hand out food parcels, serving BBQ at the local sports club, or carpooling and taking children for basketball. Even the Bible speaks that two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil (Ecclesiastes 4:9).
Pray for each other. A couple who knows that the sustainability of their love, peace and unity is greater than themselves and which comes from God, will know how to pray to Him. A prayer can be as simple as “Lord, please help us to keep you at the centre of our marriage daily. In Jesus name. Amen."
Let your children, your grandchildren and others know that you are both still in love. Proverbs say, "A good person leaves an inheritance for their children’s children." With that in mind Jennifer and I consider it very important that our love is not only in words but in action. It is important too that our grandchildren hear and see the kind things we say and do for each other. If we want to leave a legacy, it is to remind them that our love is based on God's love for us. The ancient Greek word 'agape' is the highest form of love, which is a pure, sacrificial, selfless love that comes from God and desires the highest good and unconditional care for others.
Still in love after 40 years In conclusion, 19th Century English Baptist preacher Charles Spurgeon wrote a passage on marriage saying, "A well-matched couple carry a joyful life between them...They are a brace of birds of Paradise. They multiple their joys by sharing them and lessen their troubles by dividing them."
This essay is dedicated to Jennifer, my wife, helpmate and lover of 40 years.
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