In this essay I will be sharing my life journey which resulted in the biggest adventure in my life. It was bigger than my family's migration to Australia, bigger than my decision to leave Perth, Western Australia for Melbourne, Victoria, and even bigger than my decision to leave my last employment after 24 years of service.
I have separated this story into a two part essay. The first part is the pre-marriage period. The story which led me to the big day on 29th December 1984. The second part, the subject of my next essay is my sharing of the tips and lessons from our 40 years of marriage.
Part 1 - My Pre-Marriage Story
I was born in Singapore to a working-class family who decided to migrate to Perth. My parents would often say, "for a better life for our children". I was the eldest of five children, all under 13 years when we arrived at the Port of Fremantle in May 1970 to begin a new life in Australia.
Jennifer, my future wife to be, was born in Colombo, Sri Lanka also to a working-class family. In May 1972 her parents decided to migrate, with Jennifer’s sister to Melbourne where they had relatives.
For those unfamiliar with the geography of Australia, Perth is on the west coast on Australia, and Melbourne is to the east, approximately 3,341 km (2,076 miles) by road.
Jennifer and I each lived our separate lives in the cities we grew up in as new migrants, but one thing that was common between us was our closeness to our families. I did not move out of home until my early 20s when I was transferred to Melbourne to further my career. The same could be said of Jennifer when she moved out of the family home in her late 20s.
I truly believe that our coming together was God ordained, and our marriage was 'made in heaven'. The first instance of a divine intervention was my promotion, in my first job from a junior position in Perth to the company's head office in Melbourne. I'd like to think that this love story of mine is worthy of a book, however in this essay I will focus on the major events as my primary aim is to share the things we have done together which have enabled us to still be deeply in love after 40 years. I plan to cover that second part in the next essay I write in January 2025. This will be Part 2 of 'Lessons From 40 Years Of Marriage.'
When I moved to Melbourne, the only people I knew were my work colleagues. One day after three months in Melbourne, when in my apartment in South Yarra, an inner-city suburb, I received a knock on the door. Usually when this happens, there would be two Mormon missionaries, but this time the two people were not in the usual white shirt and black trouser garb as I had expected. The two guys were friendly enough, but I didn't invite them into the apartment but chatted at the door. As this was before mobile phones and the internet, their only purpose for visiting me was to confirm if we shared the same mutual friend and to invite me to a 'going away' dinner which was being held for her. It so happened that I played cricket with her brother while in Perth. Little did I know that my cricketing friends would have a major role in my marriage story.
After accepting the invitation, I was later to meet my two new friends again at the couple's house who was hosting the event. It was Peter and Christine who welcomed me and to this day I affectionately refer to them as 'my big brother and big sister.' Apart from the one familiar face from Perth the rest were all new to me. The people there were all in their twenties, were full of fun, affable and were a caring bunch. Later that evening Christine extended an open invitation for me to return the following weekend, and so I did!
When I would drop by Peter and Christine's place, often staying overnight, we would talk about all sorts of things. From faith to politics, about the monarchy to travel destinations, and from sports to attributes when looking for a partner. In fact, we would talk about anything and everything, about life and the wonders of the universe.
While I had a 'twinkle' in my eye for Jennifer who was at the first gathering, there was no immediate romantic thoughts, even after three years of meeting regularly as a group. I felt that the friendship we all had among the twelve of us was unique, with a deep affection and care for one another. In the Greek it's described as 'phileo love', which goes beyond superficial connections with a bond fostered in warmth, mutual respect, and genuine friendship.
Without wanting to upset the dynamics of the group, it was not until mid-1983, over two years later, that I plucked up sufficient courage to ask Jennifer on a date. Actually, it wasn't a real date! As we both were working in the city, I asked her to meet me after work for a drink. She was kind enough to oblige. We chatted, really over nothing too serious, and if the truth be known, it was my excuse to just see Jennifer that evening. After conversing over iced cold glasses of lemonade (I think, but they were definitely non-alcoholic) we departed to our respective homes.
The one thing that struck me about Jennifer was how my conversation with her was becoming more spontaneous, easy-going and casual. One day in late-1983 we had to travel to the airport to see off a mutual friend who was travelling overseas. There were a number of cars travelling in convoy and she happened to be with me as I drove my car. In those days we did not have a freeway to the airport from where we were leaving, so it was a tedious, almost an hour-long journey. I found that the conversation between the two of us was flowing from one topic to another with relative ease. There were even the occasional jokes and laughter as we journeyed. My thoughts after the trip were, "Hmm? I think we got along very well." There were no awkward pauses or moments of what to say or ask, which often happens when couples are new or incompatible with each other.
In December 1983, I had booked to return to Perth to visit my parents and family for Christmas. Unfortunately for me I had to miss a pre-Christmas party that Jennifer was hosting at her newly purchased house. However, what surprised me and also her parents, (I can only imagine), was her decision to visit me in Perth for the New Year. She stayed in my parents' house, which included myself and a few of my siblings.
Jennifer and I had a good time there, travelling and sightseeing with my parents and family. One of the weeks while in Perth, Jennifer, my sister Marisa and I decided to play tourist and travelled south of Perth to the regional town of Bunbury and to see the magnificent and huge trees in the renowned Jarrah Forest. We stayed in a shack with basic amenities. It was a memorable time, and my sister and Jennifer got along well with each other. A few days after our return there was a family dinner at a restaurant Jennifer, and I were invited to. The dining party included my family, cousins, aunty and uncle. I can't recall the occasion, but I do remember that the restaurant was in the city of Perth. While driving there we noticed that the full moon was shining brightly and bigger than anything we had seen before. [Only recently did I know that such a full moon is called a Super Full Moon and is called a supermoon when the point of the moon's orbit is closest to the Earth. To me back then it was simply a huge bright moon].
After dinner the family returned home but Jennifer and I decided to go back on our own to 'chase the moon'. We wanted to see if the huge moon would still be visible like we saw it earlier while driving to the city. From an often-frequented vantage point at Kings Park and Botanic Gardens which overlooks the city of Perth we saw the moon again. Jennifer and I marvelled at what we saw. Holding hands, we spoke about our holiday experiences and the beauty of Perth. Whether it was moon dust or star dust, that very moment I was struck by 'Cupid's arrow'. What followed still puts a smile on my face when thinking about it. All of a sudden and out of nowhere, I asked Jennifer if she would marry me. It was not premeditated! It just happened. I did not even have a ring to offer. I waited briefly for a reply. Jennifer did not give a "No!" response, but neither did she give me a "Yes!" answer.
Over the years together, I've worked out that this is Jennifer's standard response if she's unsure or needs to weigh-up the question before finalizing an answer.
Having put forward the question, and with no disappointment on my part having not received a positive response, which also must have left Jennifer asking herself, "What just happened?", we continued walking a little bit more before heading back to my parent's house. Later that week we both flew back to Melbourne, keeping that event a secret between the two of us.
Our friends in Melbourne suspected that there was a little 'chemistry' happening between Jennifer and me as they saw us together a little more than usual. Neither of our respective parents though were aware of our intentions. The period was early 1984, and both Jennifer and I did the normal things as we did before our holiday. We both worked in the city, I would visit and stay overnight on Saturdays at Peter and Christine's place, I would play cricket with the boys, I would go bike riding with Peter occasionally, or as a group go ten-pin bowling or dine out. And if Jennifer was there to visit Christine, we would sit by the TV, having tea or coffee and just chat, just the four of us or with others who may have dropped in that afternoon.
While Jennifer did not really give me a yes or no answer to my proposal that night at Kings Park and Botanic Gardens, we both knew that we were in love and wished to be married, but there were a few things that needed to be settled.
The biggest issue before we could make anything public of our intentions was the dilemma surrounding our faith. For me it was customary that the groom gets married in the bride's church. And as I was a practicing Catholic and Jennifer was of another Christian but Protestant denomination, and committed to her faith, for me being married by a non-Catholic celebrant was a hurdle we needed to overcome. While I could have got married by a civil marriage celebrant or in Jennifer's church, I wanted my marriage to be recognised by the Catholic Church. It was for my sake, for the sake of parents and for what I believed was right as a 26-year-old.
In trying to sought out the issue, I arranged to meet a local Catholic parish priest to discuss the matter. In short, he told me to break off my relationship with Jennifer and not pursue getting married with her. I was shocked and disappointed to hear that! I drove straight to Jennifer's house, told her of the news which resulted in both of us shedding a tear or two, not knowing what to do next.
I mentioned at the start of this essay that our marriage 'was made in heaven'. Here was another divine intervention which occurred which I am grateful to God for.
Not satisfied with the first answer, I went in search of a high school friend of mine whom I knew was studying for the priesthood in the Catholic seminary in Melbourne. Having found him and after sharing my dilemma, he suggested that I make an appointment with the parish priest who pastors the seminarians. In short, after hearing my story the priest told me that I had a right to apply for a 'special dispensation', which is a technical term requesting permission to be exempted from the laws or observations of the Catholic Church. After filling the required form, it was sent to the Catholic Archbishop of Melbourne for his consideration. The parish priest told me that there was no guarantee of success. I kept Jennifer updated with what was happening, while in the meantime we carried on our lives as usual.
It was two weeks later that I received a telephone call from the parish priest who told me that the Archbishop of Melbourne had approved my request for 'special dispensation'. This meant that I could get married in a non-Catholic marriage ceremony, but the marriage would still be recognised by the Catholic Church. I remember that evening like it was yesterday. Too excited to think about anything else I left everything and drove 30 minutes to Jennifer's house and broke the happy news to her. We both hugged and kissed each other and thanked God for his intervention.
That evening we drove to Jennifer's parents' house, and I asked for permission to marry their daughter. Her father said, "Yes!", and they both gave me a hug and said that they had suspected something going on between Jennifer and me for a while. I think that's what all parents have, that sixth sense when it comes to their children.
It was soon after this that our betrothal became official, when we had a small engagement party. It was then that we started referring to each other as, 'my fiancée'. It was a beautiful time. Someone once asked how long Jennifer, and I knew each other before we got married. We would say that even though it was a spontaneous proposal and only a four month courtship, it was the three years of friendship which laid the foundations for our strong and loving relationship.
We set a wedding date for December that year. This set into motion all the things that needed to be done for a marriage 'made in heaven' for example the church, the reception venue, guests list, the invitations, the car hire, the photographers, the menu, the suits and dresses [Jennifer's mum sewed all the dresses, including the bridal dress], the honeymoon plans, and I am sure many other things that only a bride will remember.
We got married in Jennifer's family church on 29th December 1984. While it was not a full moon that evening but a crescent moon, I experienced the same 'moon dust' feeling when I made the proposal twelve months earlier. The ceremony was witnessed by my parents, my sister and husband, her son, my brother and uncle, and Jennifer's parents, sister and husband, family, our friends and work colleagues. By the way, Jennifer said, "Yes" when asked by the marriage celebrant if she would take me as her lawfully wedded husband.
It was the happiest day of our lives and the beginning of our next journey [the subject of my next essay]. This 29th December 2024, we are proud to celebrate 40 years of marriage and are blessed to have two beautiful children, Jessica and Jonathan, a son-in-law Gayan, and three grandsons: Joel, Ezekiel and Tobias.
Chapter 18 and verse 22 of the Book of Proverbs says, "He who finds a true and faithful wife finds a good thing and obtains favour and approval from the Lord." I can certainly testify to that!
Comments