While many at the start of each year will be making plans to do new things or aiming to offload a metaphorical backpack of old and/or bad habits, there is one thing that we should all consider leaving behind the closed curtains of 2023. We may have hidden at the bottom of the backpack long-held grudges from previous years. By holding onto or carrying grudges into the new year, we will find ourselves already burdened with a backpack of anger, jealousy, unforgiveness and feelings of resentment before the first month of 2024 is over.
Psychology definition
Psych Central defines a grudge as a feeling of resentment or ill-will held against someone due to an actual or perceived wrong. It is a negative emotion that can be short-lived or persist over a lifetime resulting in potential health risks. People hold grudges for all kinds of reasons ranging from serious to trivial, such as misunderstandings, pent-up resentment, family disagreements, and unrealistic expectations. Psych Central goes on to say that people most likely to hold grudges are those with a negative approach to life and who hold on to emotions like envy, jealousy, and toxic anger. Other things which may also contribute to grudge-holding are factors such as cultural background, family upbringing, and a personal history of hurt or trauma.
Physical and mental perspective
Health practitioners tell us that holding on to grudges is detrimental to both a person's physical and mental wellbeing. It is natural to be feel aggrieved and hurt when someone has wronged us. However, while it is often difficult to move past the incident right away, replaying the incident over and over again in one's mind can have real negative physical and emotional consequences. These are particularly evident in people who are unable to ever move away from the incident which caused the grudge in the first place. The sad thing too is that these grudges can often be perpetuated through their children and future generations.
The website Psychology Today reports that holding onto a grudge can contribute to the development of depression. This state of depression can lead a person to isolate themselves from others which eventually saps the energy of the person to an extent that they continually feel lethargic and fatigued. Emotionally, those who hold on to grudges may have feelings of moral superiority, with an abject inability to let go of those grudges. All these feelings and behaviours can negatively affect a person's quality of life and relationship with others. Grudge-holders tend to amplify their hurt and intensify the negative emotions, and they tend to prolong their own suffering as a way of letting others know that they have been mistreated.
Spiritual perspective
At a spiritual level, many of the world's religions speak against the holding of grudges, and some elaborate further in the context of grudges leading to anger. Here are some illustrations.
In Buddhism, the holding of a grudge is believed to be damaging because it is considered a toxic and unhealthy emotion. Furthermore, it is kept alive by the repetitive thoughts of ill-will toward another person. In Buddhism, the antidote to this unhealthy emotion is loving kindness, as referred to in the text called Anguttara Nikaya 5:161, "If you give birth to a grudge towards any person, cultivate loving kindness towards that person…Thus the grudge towards that person can be removed."
In Hinduism, the sanskrit word "akrodha" is used in the context of being 'free from anger.' Akrodha is an important virtue in Indian and Hindu ethics.
In a similar way the Quran, in the Islamic religion calls out for its followers to "Keep to forgiveness, and enjoin kindness, and turn away from the ignorant" (Sura al-'Araf, 7:199).
In Judaism, it is taught that in order to prevent the negative consequences of a grudge or act of revenge to occur, the Torah (the compilation of the first five books of the Hebrew Bible) has a specific prohibition against revenge and grudges. It is written in Leviticus 19:18, "Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people, but love your neighbour as yourself. I am the Lord."
In Christianity, Jesus said, "For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." (Matthew 6:14-15).
Despite all that is said across all religious texts and medical journals, and evidence shown from medical studies, we humans still find it hard to release ourselves from the emotion of holding grudges. With all that is going on around the world at an international and national level, one thing we can attribute to the international conflicts, political standoffs, and toxic anger amongst people is the GRUDGE (i.e., feeling of anger or dislike towards somebody because of something bad, actual or perceived, they have done to us in the past).
Solution - Be the change
Mahatma Gandhi was quoted as saying, "If you want to change the world, start with yourself." So, in this essay, let us focus on how we can individually stop ourselves from holding a grudge, be healed from it, and begin to move on towards a freer, less burdensome life.
Here are three tips to consider:
1.Practice Forgiveness
The continued thought of resentment against another person who you believe had wronged you is the essence of holding a grudge. Furthermore, not realising that this is bottled up in an unforgiving heart will continually imprison you in your current mind-set. If you forgive, you may be able to let go of your grudge and start to move on with your life. In the Bible, the apostle Paul writes to the Ephesian church, "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamour and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." (Ephesians 4:31-32) Of course, that is easier said than done. In the same letter, Paul gives us an encouragement, "For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord." (Ephesians 5:8-9) Praying to God to help you forgive someone is one springboard to change an unforgiving heart.
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The act of forgiving does not necessarily mean forgetting. It simply means that the person forgiving has chosen to move on. This is analogous to a locomotive decupling itself from the carriages it has been pulling along the railway tracks. After decupling, it's load will be much lighter.
The topic of forgiveness is a much broader subject than what is captured here in a few lines. That being said, a 2021 study, published in the US National Library of Medicine concluded that a greater level of forgiveness is associated with lower stress and better mental health.
The one important thing that we should never consider and reject totally is a 'get-even' spirit. This is one sin-nature that has plagued humankind since the dawn on time. Martin Luther King, Jr. said these powerful words at the peak of the Civil Rights Movement in the America, "In moments of pain, we seek revenge. There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness."
2.Change your perspective
Sometimes, we can hold onto a grudge for months or even a lifetime. We can often be obsessed with the grudge that we develop a myopic view of the past. This fixation can often cause the grudge to smoulder to an extent that we start to lose perspective. It's like having tunnel vision. Before this happens, try to take a 'helicopter view' of the situation, try to play-back the incident with a neutral perspective and consider the following questions, while putting aside your own feelings.
Did the person I am holding a grudge with intentionally set out to hurt me?
Was there something else that I disliked about the person before the incident?
Does my grudge stem from a pattern of feeling disrespected by this person?
Is it possible their intentions were good, even if their actions had negative consequences for me?
Was this a one-time mistake?
While the above self-reflection doesn’t help in every circumstance, and your feelings may still be raw, taking a fresh perspective and considering the people concerned can be helpful to frame the situation in a new light. Realizing too that no one is perfect, and that we may have also made similar mistakes or similar past indiscretions, could help smother our thoughts of holding that grudge against that person. Perhaps their hurtful actions stemmed from their own issues, or an ill thought of indiscretion. None of this however excuses their behaviour, but it may help you understand and start to make peace with it.
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Try, if possible to look for good in the other person. It may be a radical change in perspective, but it could lead to an opportunity to a long-awaited reconciliation. This would be particularly poignant where grudges are held amongst family members, neighbours or very close friends. Here's a famous quote on love; "Love is patient, love is kind...it does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs...but rejoices with the truth...Love never fails." (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)
3.Keep a journal
A common counselling tool used for someone who has thoughts of remorse, hurt or anxiety is journaling. Journaling can be a great way to work through your feelings. Getting your feelings out on paper can help diffuse the emotions which have been bottled up for a long time. It is suggested to try and write down everything that comes into your head about the other person. A journal is a safe space for you to let out your feelings, and no one gets to see it but you. There’s no time constraint or pressure with a journal. You can write in it as often or as little as you want. Over time, you may be able to process your feelings around the grudge and start to move past it.
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I had used the journaling tool when I was younger. While it was not related to holding a grudge, the simple process of writing down statements of thoughts and feelings of anxiousness I had were very useful. I found that after re-reading the journaled incident over time, my perspective of the incident had changed as they were evaluated with a more mature lens of understanding and context.
Conclusion
While holding grudges is a common human phenomenon, it does not make it right. While it is okay to be upset, angry, or sad when you feel that someone has hurt you, holding onto a grudge will affect your mental, physical and spiritual health. Remember that holding a grudge does not hurt the person against whom the grudge is held. It hurts the one who holds it. By devoting a little time and effort to leave your grudges behind, you can let go of these painful feelings and start to live life with a more positive and happier state of mind. You will be better off filling your metaphorical backpack this year with loving and happy memories, rather than past resentments and grudges. Concluding with a line from the famous 19th century English poet and author Charlotte Bronte who wrote, "Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity or registering wrongs."
Happy New Year!
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