Loneliness has become a huge problem in our society, accentuated over the last few years by the COVID-19 pandemic. The problem has continued post-pandemic. On reading many reports about the subject, I decided to re-publish the following article, with modifications, which I wrote some years ago. I hope this essay can speak to you if you are experiencing loneliness. If you are not, read it anyway as it shares my experiences of how I overcame loneliness.
The article starts off with a semi-fictional account of a long-weekend holiday with a group of my friends. We had travelled to Sandy Point, a township by the sea in southeast Victoria. This was around 1982.
“Steven, are you coming to join us?”, a voice cried out. I heard it again, “Steven, are you coming to join us?”. It was not until I felt the sprinkling of water on my face that I realized I was daydreaming and far away from what was happening on the beach at Sandy Point.
The only way Roger, a good friend of mine, could get my attention was to splash water on me to wake me up. Roger and the rest of the group, including Sandra and Pam who were keen to also join in the game of beach cricket, were about to start. No one wanted to be wicket keeper so the group volunteered me to be ‘it’, if only Roger could wake me up. He did, and I became wicket keeper.
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I must say that the best part of batting, when I had the chance to bat was to try to hit the ball into the sea. There were times however when the tide was retreating quickly, and it was then that we got anxious about getting the ball back before losing it to the waves.
After a tiring but fun filled day in the hot sun, we would gather for lunch where the rise of the beach sand meets the vegetated sand dunes. All we wanted then were cold ice cubes to rehydrate ourselves and a cold can of fizzy drink for an immediate ‘sugar fix’.
For me, the next best thing on the picnic menu was the egg, cucumber, and mayonnaise sandwiches. It had to be on white bread and not on any fancy bread with seeds and extra fiber. Christine knew exactly how to make them just like my mum would make it.
While only half of the group enjoyed another innings of beach cricket, the rest, including myself frolicked by the seashore, with the others that were there, Sam, Esther, Jenny, and Peter. After some time towards the latter part of the afternoon, almost unanimously we agreed that it was time to head back to our homes which involved a two-hour drive back to the city.
The only one who did not know when to stop was our friend Micky. I suppose there is one in every crowd. Micky eventually complied though reluctantly sitting at the back of Ernest’s VW Kombi van before we all piled in.
It was when I got back to my apartment that a sense of loneliness would once again overwhelm me despite an enjoyable weekend. Admittedly it was getting better, but the first few months alone in Melbourne were my worst experiences of loneliness.
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So, while some people, can show outward signs of happiness and sociability, the sense of loneliness is ever present in their lives when they are away from their social environment.
I was 23 years old when I moved to Melbourne from Perth in Western Australia. Melbourne was as far as you could get from the city of Perth. It was over 3,500 kilometers on the eastside of Australia. Having lived at home all my life, I felt like a ‘country bumpkin’ moving to the ‘big smoke’ of Melbourne. The city of Melbourne felt like a foreign country to me with its ‘hustle and bustle’ of traffic and the mass of people concentrated in the Central Business District. I would estimate that at that time the Melbourne CBD felt ten times the size of Perth's CBD.
Very often I would come home after work and cry myself to sleep for being alone, especially as I came from a very close family of four siblings with my mum and dad. It made it even worse when in the early part of my move to Melbourne, my sister would visit me and depart just as quickly as she had arrived.
This was a time before the Internet, Facebook, mobile phones and social media platforms. The only medium available to me to correspond, as there was no telephone in my apartment, was letter writing. Yes, the medium where you write on paper, place it in an envelope, apply a licked postage stamp and drop the envelope in a post box. [It sounds tedious and so ‘last century’ just writing about it].
Knowing that I needed to do something to get myself out of this self-imposed state of loneliness, I decided to do a number of things. While not a psychologist, I have listed five things which helped me overcome my sense of loneliness.
As this article was written several years ago, and having in 2021 graduated with a Diploma of Counselling, I can now appreciate that what I did in the 1980s to overcome my experiences of loneliness was appropriate.
For many people who suffer from loneliness, it can be a harrowing experience. Despite many young adults these days having many “friends” on social media, like Facebook and Instagram, young adults can still feel a sense of loneliness. Many seniors, some of whom are users of social media, are more susceptible to loneliness when living in aged-care homes or by themselves, especially if face-to-face contacts are absent or are minimal in their lives.
In a UK government article published in 2022, it was reported that over 65% of young adults surveyed claimed that feeling disconnected were their main subjective cause of loneliness. Many young adults spoke about being lonely because they felt unable to express themselves, their feelings or talk about their issues. They also talked about being lonely due to feeling they did not matter to others and were not understood by others.
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Below were the activities I did when I experienced bouts of loneliness as a young adult when I was living alone in Melbourne. You will notice that in four of the five activities mentioned, conversations and connectedness were prerequisites to the activity. Even in today’s technology-centric world, you can’t avoid human relationships and connectedness.
Finding something I enjoyed doing and having people to enjoy it with – What I realized when living alone was the essential need to prepare my own meals. It was not only to survive but to also save money. The first meal I prepared was spaghetti bolognaise. Knowing that I could not have that every day, I decided to buy a cookbook [I still have the book], and found preparing different dishes pleasurable and relaxing. It certainly beats eating ‘spag-bol’ every single day. Cooking different recipes also allowed me to be creative. After experimenting on myself with the meals I cooked, I felt confident to invite friends to sample the meals I had prepared. The greatest number of people I had cooked for during my single days was a dinner party for 12 guests. They all survived. Of course, if you don’t like cooking, try to find something you enjoy doing. And if that’s cross-country running, gym workouts, fishing, or photography, then join a class and/or connect with a social group.
I pursued relationships with people with similar interests – Returning to my apartment (alone) every day after work was boring, uninspiring, and somewhat depressing. Made worst as I did not have a television. As I was close to Albert Park, a sports precinct close to the Melbourne CBD, I decided one evening to sign up for a season at the table tennis club. The season involved serious competition. Though being in the lowest grade, our team confidently travelled to various clubs, winning some matches, and losing others. What it did for me was to expose me to people from different ethnicities, cultures and backgrounds. My doubles partner was of Macedonian heritage. He was the first Macedonian I had ever met. The experience added to my self-awareness, self-development, and confidence. Above all it helped me to engage with people and improved my knowledge of the city as I had to travel far and wide from the northern to the southern suburbs.
I found a faith community to belong to – My Christian faith played a big part in helping me put the circumstances which surrounded my life into perspective. While I did not know the people I stood next to each Sunday morning at church, I knew that the strength of my faith and the folks in the community would be there for me each week. We are all spiritual beings. It is therefore important that we do not overlook the need to develop this aspect of our lives within a faith community. It can help the individual overcome the feelings of loneliness.
I made an effort to be with those already in my circle of life – It was through my work in Perth that I was transferred to the company’s Melbourne Head Office. One day a work colleague in Melbourne asked if I wanted to join the company’s cricket club. Having played a little cricket during my university days I decided to try it out. We played in the local league on Saturdays which led me to be selected in the company’s Victorian State side. I played three seasons and travelled with the team and played in the company’s National Cricket Carnival during Easter. I was already in the circle of my work colleagues, however the action I took helped me broaden this circle. It does not have to be in a work situation. It could be in an educational environment, a cultural environment, or even in a housing estate environment. Wherever you find yourself in, look for the positive aspects that your environment provides and make the effort to be part of your environment's circle of life. Having grown up in high rise apartments in Singapore, I've seen community gardens be wonderful places for residents to gravitate to, sharing gardening tips and sharing its produce.
I learn to enjoy my time of being alone – I realized very early that loneliness was a state of mind with a negative sense of being isolated. However, there were times when I did want to have my own space and time. I would pick up a book and immerse myself in it or sit on a park bench and watch the squirrels scamper amongst the foliage or I would write letters to my loved ones back home in Perth while waiting at the laundromat. These times of solitude were great for self-reflection and mental ‘recharging’. I still remember a letter to my mother asking for some home recipes. The two things which I loved were bread pudding [great with old bread, which I often had in the pantry] and the hard-boiled egg, cucumber, and mayonnaise combination sandwich.
I have come a long way from living alone in my apartment over 40 years ago. The circle of friends I had then, has expanded to include new and supportive friends. Being connected and gaining a sense of purpose have been, for me, the antidote to loneliness.
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The positive aspects of being alone included self-reflection, walks along the beach, appreciating nature, reading, meditating, listening to music, and learning. However, being alone because of a sense of disconnectedness is something we all need to break out off. The negatives of experiencing loneliness can lead to a variety of physical and mental illnesses. This is where seeking a professional health care professional can help.
From my personal experience, applying the five things listed above has allowed me to avoid the negative side-effects of a protracted sense of loneliness. Such actions however require a little effort on the part of the individual.
If you wish to chat further about the subject please send me a message at the bottom of this blog or contact me on www.frommydeskathome.com.
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