Recently a close friend of mine pulled me to one side and asked me for my opinion in dealing with a difficult co-worker. He works in a very male dominated industry renowned for its 'blokeyness', often with conversational language that would be considered inappropriate when speaking to your grandmother or your children. I would go as far as to say it would be totally inappropriate in our civil society and in any workplace.
I shared with Joe (not his real name) that many years ago I use to work in another industry and had been exposed to a similar environment. It was a more prevalent then, unlike today where many safe workplace policies and practices have been legislated.
While Joe had to reluctantly put up with the bad language spoken in his workplace, Joe shared with me of a co-worker (let's call him Ian, not his real name) whose behaviour when speaking to colleagues was loud with the use of expletives rounding out every sentence. Ian showed very little regard, empathy or care towards people he was conversing with. Ian would speak down on a person and behave in such a way as to be disingenuous to the presence of his colleagues. This was very impactful as Joe's workplace has a large multiethnic and multigenerational workforce.
Joe admitted that Ian was an important team member for the overall success of the project. He was responsible for executing tasks initiated by Joe and other project team members where their requisitions needed to be fulfilled to meet schedules.
The challenge for Joe was how to deal with a key person of the project, whose attitude towards Joe and others was condescending and harsh.
As Ian was not in Joe's department he asked me how best he could manage working with Ian's behaviour. Joe added that Ian's behaviour has started to affect him. Joe was having sleepless nights, anxiety and felt that his work performance could be impacted negatively because of Ian’s treatment of Joe and others.
In my over forty years of working life, there were many instances I had experienced and had to manage, or have others manage difficult people at the workplace. Because bad behaviour can range in intensity, I asked Joe to give me an example of when he felt intimidated by the language and tone of his work colleague Ian. After describing the scenario, I concluded that Joe's experience was not at the extreme end of being bullied or harassed (which would have required urgent HR intervention). However I discerned that Ian demonstrated a poor and insensitive behavioural issue common among some workers in companies where positive organisational culture is not encouraged and practiced. Another issue I suspected with the company Joe is working for was the lack of personal inter-relationship training, team building and coaching afforded to its management and staff. Such organisations, particularly in the industry Joe is in, do not see the correlation of such attributes to company performance, staff retention and productivity.
Many progressive and high performing companies today see the importance of instilling a positive workplace culture where team members show a high level of EQ (Emotional Quotient or Emotional Intelligence). These organizations see the value of such positive behaviours having a flow-on impact on the company's bottom line, resulting in shareholder, staff and customer satisfaction.
First coined by David Goleman in the 1990's EQ or EI has five components; self awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy and social skills. In a 2013 research paper published in the National Library of Medicine website it concluded that the role of EQ/EI in achieving organizational effectiveness was very significant, and was reiterated in studies carried out across the globe.
Colin D. Ellis, author, speaker and culture change facilitator and project management expert, in his recent blog How Leaders Shape Culture writes, "The top factors affecting the employee experience (from an employee perspective) are caring leaders, meaningful work and safe workplace environments. Gone are the days when simply focusing on compensation, job title, and financial security was enough to keep a workforce satisfied. The most ambitious and successful CEOs outline a vision for what they want to be known for. The leadership team must commit to the journey and drive it resolutely, even as the institutional capability evolves and grows." In the same blog Ellis presents a table showing the results of actions in a positive workplace culture, all of which are the outcomes from an organisational culture high on emotional intelligence.
After hearing and observing the role played out by Joe in a requisition scenario with Ian, I quickly suggested one immediate area of improvement for Joe. I suggested that Joe be more assertive and definitive in what he is after, including when he needed a task to be done by, and to make it clear to Ian the purpose of the task. Joe admitted that he is a quietly spoken non-aggressive individual. In this instance however, my suggestion for 'assertiveness' from Joe was not to be demanding or impolite but to show a more 'confident' approach to his requests. I spoke of my personality type, and how one's personality type can, and sometimes has to change depending on the role one is in. I gave Joe an example of how I, as a natural introvert had to adapt my level of assertiveness during my various career roles. While conducting oneself outside one's natural personality type may not be sustainable, our personality type often returns to our inherent behaviour when in a relaxed state of mind. An extroverted person having to be quiet and absorbed as a student over two days can similarly feel exhausted after the two days.
I further explained to Joe that if there is a retort from Ian after giving him a request, that Joe should be prepared to politely explain the consequences of any delays or impact it may have on the project. Joe is not a person who will react and easily 'blow-his-top'. This intransigent behaviour may be a ploy by some people like Ian who have little emotional intelligence. They tend to provoke anger just to be able to feel that they are somewhat superior to others. The Book of Proverbs 26:4 offers a wise suggestion, 'Don't answer the foolish arguments of fools, or you will become as foolish as they are.' Bottom line for Joe is not to get into an argument, but be firm and polite about the request.
Not knowing of the organisational relationship, I suggested that Joe speak to his line manager about what he is experiencing. However Joe explained that Ian is from another department and he was uncomfortable in raising the issue especially as it was a major multi-department project. Joe felt that it was not serious enough to be reported and he did not take it as personal attack on himself. As Joe explained, Ian's behaviour was not isolated to Joe but was experienced by others and was a trait which seemed inherent in Ian's personality. Of course if the situation did not improve or got worst, going to Joe's HR department would be an appropriate step to take.
This led me to raise the prospect that Ian may have some personal issues which no one is aware off, either currently in Ian's life or an unaddressed generational issue. I added that we all have personal issues to overcome which we often carry with us in our daily existence, at work, at school, or on the sporting field. Some of us are more able to handle them than others. And while we enjoy positive interactions, purposeful conversations and amicable relationships, there are times when we are not able to succeed at these and experience difficult circumstances and difficult people. As human beings we all yearn for community, love, acceptance, and belonging, especially from those we spend a lot of time around, such as our co-workers. Who knows if someone who is being difficult at work is lacking this sense of community, belonging and acceptance in their lives. It is said that life is about 10% of what happens to us and 90% of how we respond. A lesson that Joe was reminded of.
Terrell L. Strayhorn, PhD, academic, public speaker and entrepreneur suggested in his blog that "Learning how to deal with difficult people at work gives one competitive advantage and 'a secret power' in life." Strayhorn makes an interesting, I would say a counter-intuitive suggestion when dealing with a difficult person in the workplace. He suggests trying to exercise empathy and understanding. In practice it could be offering to buy them a coffee at the local cafe, inviting them to lunch or taking time to get to know the person, their interest, work style, etc. By showing them concern for a co-worker, Strayhorn says, "You affirm that they matter, they're essential, and that may be the catalyst to change their behaviour." Perhaps in Joe's and Ian's working relationship, the subject of the extensive use of bad language could be raised.
I have been involved in a similar situation, admittedly not with a co-worker who was behaving badly. However it was a festering issue between my colleague and myself which necessitated a 'circuit breaker'. The 'coffee meeting' which I was famous for at my last place work did wonders for our working relationship moving forward. I was able to understand the issues which were bothering my colleague and they were able to appreciate the situation that I and, collectively both of us and the team were in.
There are many books, articles and blogs that speak on the topic of dealing with difficult people at work. Some give 7 tips, or 9 tips, others 11 tips and I am sure others even more. One suggestion I gave Joe which may not even be among the many tips listed was to pray.
As Joe is a Christian, I suggested that another thing he could do in his difficult situation is pray for Ian and his workplace. The Bible says in 1 Peter 5:7, "Cast all your anxiety on him [God] because he cares for you." The current challenges that Joe may be facing, even if they are temporary, will produce endurance, in turn they will build his character, which in turn leads to hope. It is the power of prayer that will change the situation and release Joe from his anxiety and worries. This should lead him to having restful nights sleep. Perhaps in time there will be signs of an improved working relationship with Ian and in the workplace.
A lesson I have learnt over the years is that no one gets up in the morning and says to themself, “I’m going to be a nasty person at work today!” There are many triggers that can cause us all to have a bad day at the "office". Even if it continues for a while there is always an underlining reason for such a behaviour. While we all can make room and allowances, if the situation is prolonged and there is no prospect for improvements in sight, then seeking expert help may be required to address the underlining issues.
I strongly recommend that you seek a trusted friend, a counsellor or a HR professional if you need help in this area.
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