I was going through my old, but precious, stack of photo albums and reminiscing on past family trips. I suspect this is what folks of my generation do from time to time with their pre-digital photos that are stored in boxes or, like me, in chronologically marked albums.
Coming across a series of photos from a family trip overseas, I recollect memories of Jenny and I holding hands and seeing our son-in-law pushing our adorable grandson in the stroller with our daughter close by his side. There was another photo, taken during the same time where our son is walking beside us with shopping bags in each hand (not all his purchases). From the branded bags we knew that he was helping his sister with her shopping load. In the same series of photos, there was another scene of our daughter with outstretched hands crouched down waiting for her little boy to run into her arms. I remember soon after the picture was taken, she lifted him up and spun him around several times with joyous laughter from both mother and son. Once in our serviced apartment, we showed each other what we bought and to my daughter's surprise, I showed her some local cakes I had purchased which were her and Jenny's favourite. They each gave me a hug in appreciation.
In Gary Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages, he describes how each of us has a propensity towards one of the five emotional languages of love. If we are not able to read or interpret it, or if we express love in a way that the other person doesn’t understand, he or she may not realize that we have expressed our love at all. Upon reading the book, I have come to the conclusion that it does not only apply to the family relationship environment but could also be considered relevant among groups of friends, workmates, and in fact, any human relationship.
Since The 5 Love Languages book was published in 1992, its relevance still applicable today, Chapman has published twenty-plus marriage and family books, including; The 5 Love Languages of Children, The Five Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace, and The 5 Love Languages Singles Edition.
The first love language according to Chapman is ‘Words of Affirmation’. This language uses words to affirm other people. Mark Twain once said, ‘I can live for two months on a good compliment.’ Verbal compliments, or words of appreciation, are powerful communications of love. They are best expressed in simple, straightforward statements of affirmation like ‘I love what you are wearing’ or ‘Thanks for the dinner you made’. Words of affirmation in a work environment like, ‘It was an excellent presentation to the board’ can do wonders in improving morale among team members.
Remember the time when you enjoyed playing games and throwing ball with a small child? Didn’t the words of affirmation mean so much to the child in getting him or her to repeat a good deed? This shouldn’t change as we grow to adulthood. Solomon, author of the ancient Hebrew wisdom literature wrote, ‘An anxious heart weights a man down, but a kind word cheers him up.’
Giving verbal compliments is only one way to express words of affirmation. Another way is to use encouraging words. The word ‘encourage’ means to inspire with courage or confidence. If we are down and feel depressed, imagine how good we would feel if we received an encouraging word or word of kindness, either via SMS or telephone.
Source: Media from Wix
Words of affirmation should be honest and sincere, and not be 'lip service'. The person receiving the affirmation can quite easily recognise the affirmation when it's not from the heart, for example when a manager says to a staff member, "Good job" without stopping to make eye contact or worst, uttering those words while passing the staffer by. Words of affirmation are powerful when they are spoken intentionally.
The second love language is ‘Quality Time’. So often we hear people talk about the need to provide our families or loved ones with quality time. But what does that really mean. In short, Chapman describes this language as giving the other person your undivided attention.
The story is told of a couple who have all the modern appliances an affluent household would have, and while these devices are time savers, there is hardly a situation where the couple gets a chance to spend quality time together before going about with their girlfriends or mates to the local café or golf course.
A central aspect of quality time is togetherness and not what Chapman refers to as ‘proximity’. Togetherness has to do with focused attention such as creating the opportunities where we and our loved ones can come together, converse and get involved. Such a quality activity will often create special memories to be reflected on in the years ahead. It can be as simple as visiting a local market outside your normal shopping precinct, doing the gardening together and planting a new season's crop, or having a family BBQ.
Source: Media from Wix
Practicing quality time is not limited to family relationships. When I was working and had responsibilities for a team, there were some team members who had a greater need for quality time. Knowing these attributes, I would make myself available and do the following routine when they came to see me. I would first clear my desk of any paperwork in front of me and sometimes shift myself around the table to their side to give them my fullest attention. Giving quality time is about giving respect to the other person.
The third love language is ‘Receiving Gifts’. I’m sure most of us love receiving gifts. To the person’s whose love language is receiving gifts, it’s more than just receiving something tangible. Chapman says that gifts are visual symbols of love. Visual symbols of love are more important to some people than others. As a dad, remember how you would cherish the bar of soap your child bought from the school’s Father’s Day stall, or when as a mum you received a freshly cut flower taken from your garden on Mother’s Day. Gifts may be purchased, found or made. Gifts need not be expensive but it’s in the giving that we say, ‘I love you’ or ‘I appreciate you’. The gift of self is an intangible gift, but it can speak louder than a gift that can be held in one’s hand. In times of crisis or anxiety the gift of presence is the most powerful gift you can give.
The memories of seeing the joy on my daughter's and Jenny's faces when I showed them the transparent pack with the locally made traditional Malay cakes were priceless. Their mouths were drooling with anticipation as it was a long time since they had these cakes.
The fourth love language is ‘Acts of Service’. While there may be a danger in falling into stereotypical male and female roles, the essence of this love language is founded on the cliché ‘actions speak louder than words’. If all the endless chores we do in a typical day around the house is done in a positive spirit, they are indeed expressions of love. Those who have a strong disposition to this love language will find the simplest tasks done with love speak volumes of the relationship.
Source: Media from Wix
After being married for nearly forty years, I know for sure that one of Jenny's love languages is acts of service. While she will accept a box of chocolate as a gift from me, she'd prefer me doing the vacuuming around the place. Recently I surprised her by sanding, cleaned and recoated our outdoor table and side-chairs with wood stain. She was so pleased with the outcome. What’s more, she had even indulged in the chocolates which she received from me with glee.
There are many acts of service opportunities in our work places or in our communities if we are sensitive to the needs of others.
The fifth love language described by Chapman is ‘Physical Touch’. The display of this love language has been strongly evident during the aftermath of traumatic events or disasters when we see people and total strangers hugging one another to console and offer support. Holding hands, a hug, a handshake or an embrace are natural displays of human emotion. We’ve read of orphans in the former Eastern bloc countries who have been deprived of human affection, prematurely dying or have suffered psychologically. Leaving someone, whose love language is physical touch to cry alone without offering a reassuring embrace can be devastating. Recent media of world conflicts have elevated visibility of this emotional display of physical touch. Being sensitive is the key to this love language, as physical touch can make or break a relationship. As the lyrics from the Louis Armstrong, What a Wonderful World classic says, ‘I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do, but what they’re saying is I love you.’
Each of us have our own propensity towards one or more of the love languages described by Chapman. What can keep our relationships strong, whether they be in the home, at our places of work, and in our local communities, is knowing the emotional love language that each person has. Do you know what your love language is? Over time it is important that your partner, family members, and colleagues know your love language.Similarly find out what their love languages are. As said by French novelist Amantine Lucile Aurore Dupin de Francueil, under the pen name George Sand, "There is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved."
Comments